On The Difference in Disposition (Inspired by Online Commenters)

On The Difference in Disposition (Inspired by Online Commenters)


I googled my name yesterday. Yes, I know, what was I thinking? But I had a good excuse: I was looking for an article in a professional magazine for communicators where I talked about my job. Unfortunately, that story wasn’t available online, but I found something else instead: 10 best dressers from an event this summer, selected by an Estonian women’s magazine.

I’m not gonna lie – initially, it felt quite nice, mostly because I am a great admirer of the editor who put this together. And then I read the comments. Well… Sheeeesh. That was some unpleasant reading and made me quite sad for a while. But being analytical by nature has its advantages: the comments got me thinking and it’s difficult to be desolate when you’re analysing something. I wasn’t thinking so much about the usual stuff – why people feel the need to say horrible things about others online or the objectification of women or the things women themselves do to other women – but about why we wear the things we wear and what’s important to us when we dress.

Because you know what? Most of the things that were said about me were completely true, as you can witness yourself if you feel like it. The dress was definitely related, if not to a nightie, then certainly a negligee. I was clearly not wearing a bra. Were my nipples visible? You can bet they were, the only way to make my nipples completely invisible is to use underwear made of stainless steel. If one looked closely when I was standing still, the fit of the dress was not perfect. The photo itself was not flattering – this is true of almost all pictures taken of me in profile or when my face is in motion. That’s just a sad fact of life.*

The thing is, I don’t really care about that stuff. Not that I don’t care what people think of my appearance – obviously I do (see above). And I do care about good fit and unwrinkled clothing, in a vague way. I even prefer not to scare people with my nipples, if possible. But ultimately, I care much more about the mood and the idea and the statement of a look. If there’s something that fits my concept of what I want to wear (nineties ft Great Gatsby, in this case), but falls short of mainstream standards of polish, I will wear it anyway. No matter if I have a perfectly fitting, tastefully elegant ensemble in the cupboard I could wear instead – I would feel wrong in it. I have tried and looking presentable without a spark just isn’t for me. If the choice is between ridiculous and uninspiring (for myself), I know what I’ll choose every single time.

But back to the comments: they were a revelation to me (and to be fair, much gentler than many other threads out there). I wasn’t surprised at my taste being different from the average commentator’s: indeed, the dress I liked best was compared to a nightgown even more harshly than mine. Somewhat more unexpectedly, I just couldn’t relate to any of the values that (most of) the commentators held so dear – modesty, moderation, impeccability. Apparently, the clothes were not making women look nice and feminine. They were not tasteful. The pregnant women were flaunting their bellies in a vulgar way, looking disgusting. Pregnant women shouldn’t wear black! Babies, by the way, shouldn’t wear pure white. Not to bring up the abomination of the nipples and THE CROOKED SEAM! And on and on, in the same vein. Why were people getting so worked up by these things? Is this what they think about, when they get dressed? Do they ever consider the pleasure of wearing something, or is it always about not making mistakes, following rules, avoiding stains?

And I realised something else. Clothes on a photo are different from clothes worn. A photo is of course an entirely realistic representation of them: when I look at that picture online, I do recognise this as truth, but that’s not how I remember myself from that evening. Because an outfit isn’t just an image, it’s the movement of the satin, the dangle of the earrings, the sunshine on your bare shoulders, the slip of a strap, the scarf fluttering in the breeze. It’s not how you look, it’s how you feel.

PS The pictures here are of the same outfit I talk about in the post, taken on the same day.

*In fact, the only point I strongly disagree with was that I was standing there deliberately for the cameras. There are very few things I hate more than pictures taken of me when I have no control over either the process nor publication.

After the party

26 Comments

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  1. 1
    Sigrid

    I love this piece of writing. For me outfits matter in a far more complex way than just how they may look in the eye of the beholder. Unfortunately, being a teacher sets its boundaries, especially on the cleavage and nipple agenda 😉 . And the paragraph before PS is just beautifully written!

    • 2
      Ykkinna

      I’m sincerely glad you liked it, thank you. Both of my parents are teachers, so I understand these limitations well. But for what it’s worth, I used to admire my stylish teachers as a child and their presence always made my days a little brighter. In particular, both my flute and piano teachers were very glamorous (it’s probably easier at the music school) and I still remember what they wore and how the smelled.

  2. 3
    Suss

    FFS! “hell is other people(let loose in the comments)”. For what it’s worth I think You slay in that outfit and very few people could wear it like You do. And I applaud You for the attitude You take on this; it’s inspiring! a great outfit and a great piece of writing.

    • 4
      Ykkinna

      Thank you, Suss. I’m extremely flattered that you like the piece – I keep finding mistakes, though, as I wrote it very fast and in a somewhat emotional state 🙂

  3. 6
    Ann

    I suppose that, as people have more latitude in dress than they had a few decades ago, there is also more room for people to differ on what does or doesn’t work. Just like the rest of life. I think the dress is stunning. Furthermore, both your sartorial and prose styles are distinctive and intellectually satisfying. Straight seams be damned.

    • 7
      Ykkinna

      You are right, of course. And the diversity of opinions is a good thing, too, if sometimes personally uncomfortable. I think most of all I was just taken off guard because among my friends and on the blog I’m surrounded by (largely) likeminded people.

      I’m glad you like the dress and even gladder that you find my prose style intellectually satisfying. I should get a t-shirt saying that! Thank you.

  4. 8
    Hamamelis

    I’m taking short break of my on line break (because too busy) to let you know you look gorgeous and the pic with your daughter is beautifully intact in its womenness for lack of a better word. I and I bet you smelled beautiful too.

    • 9
      Ykkinna

      Thank you for making that exception – I mean it, I know it’s big thing when you are crazy busy. And I think I wore Mohur extrait.

  5. 10
    SophieC

    Like Hamamelis I am also taking a short break from my online vacation (as work insane) to say wow I love the dress, the colour, the style and most especially the picture with your daughter which just completes it perfectly. You, she and the dress look amazing and oh so stylish (note not perfect because as we know perfect and style don’t always go together) and I can almost imagine a glass of something pink and bubbly in your hand and louche but intelligent conversation, a la Gatsby or Bright Young Things, being made the entire evening.
    For me, clothes are about so many things but often a mood I am in or want to evoke, a celebration of a warm summer’s evening or even a desire to play a role for a moment. And sometimes the random imperfection is a key part of that. Perfection is never what I am for – elegance, interest, drama, softness, many things, but not perfection.
    I also happened to think the pregnant lady looked amazing.

    • 11
      Ykkinna

      Thank you, Sophie. I always love your thoughts on style and this time is no exception. And I absolutely agree on the pregnant lady! I hope work gets less crazy at some point. It’s getting busier here, too, and November is going to be awful. But I’ll have the Japan trip before that!

  6. 12
    Librarygirl

    1. You look amazing–kudos to you for wearing something fabulous when you have the chance. You look glamorous, beautiful, and but comfortable in yourself. I’ve struggled with this a bit after moving to small town where the other women ask me why I wear red lipstick and “dress up” since I’m “only a SAHM.” And for the record, skinny jeans and leopard flats are not “dressed up” where I’m from.
    2. As a 40 year-old-mom of an 8-year-old daughter and a former teacher, I love that your kiddo sees her mom BEING HERSELF and enjoying fashion while being incredibly intelligent and hard-working.
    3. I thought the pregnant lady looked adorable, and besides, who picks on a pregnant lady? Keep up the great blog and wear what you like cause I’m sure I’m not the only reader who thinks “I’d be friends with that girl in real life.”

    • 13
      Ykkinna

      Thank you for such a lovely comment. And I know exactly how it feels to be dressed up in an environment that doesn’t encourage it. I sometimes struggle, too, although much less than I used to – I’m just more confident now. But if you spend a long time in a very casual or conservative environment, a red lip or fitted dress can start feeling like a huge statement, although you don’t mean it like that. You just happen to like lipstick and the dress!

  7. 16
    MikasMinion

    You looked effortlessly chic as usual and the pregnant woman looked amazing. I saw not a single picture that made me feel like making a critical comment. People are weird. Also, WTF is wrong with nipples? I would be much more bothered if I could see the outline of tape or those petal things.

    • 17
      Ykkinna

      Thank you! I hope it didn’t come across as too whine-y: some of the comments are stupid, but there’s much worse stuff out there. I just cannot relate to this boringly puritanical mindset behind these comments (regardless of their view of my outfit) and it has made me realise that my own view of dressing is less prevalent then I thought.

      That fear of women’s nipples seems completely laughable to me, though. I can understand that the subject might hold a certain fascination for teenage boys, but grown-up people really should be able to handle the existence of this body part.

  8. 18
    Frances

    Ykkina, this post is as thought-provoking as the photo and the outfit, and I thank you for articulating something that has been flapping about in my head but has never formed into concrete words. Your thoughtful eloquence has been exceedingly helpful to me in coming to terms with an “image issue ” I have. Let me explain. I’m 64 and unsurprisingly, post menopause, not that I had the sort of menopause that I needed to think about or take any notice of at all. What I have had to notice, however, is that in menopause and beyond, I have become increasingly invisible: it’s as though everything that I am and know and can do was valuable only while it was linked to the potential of my fertility cycle. I work with people who are mostly much younger than I am:, and it was an unwelcome surprise to be called “dear” one day, as in “you old dear”! I’m not a mother: I have a strong reluctance to be a nanna!

    Now, I”ve always enjoyed clothes. I was brought up to “put the best foot forward” in terms of wearing an appropriate outfit for an occasion. My mother believed that making an effort to look right was part of paying honour to your hosts at a party or a dinner. Then too, I love the colour and texture of fabrics, the cut and style of the design. I own a lot of clothes, but I continue to buy more. After your mini-series on body-suits, for instance, I set about finding local examples, and just yesterday may have located the perfect ones for me ( Eggzellent!). But I’ve been wondering why I care so much. After all, I’m old now– well, old-ish. Invisible. Then I read this post a few days ago, and realised that i use clothes as my way of fighting back, of not going quietly into the grey haze of nannadom. Clothes let me tell one of the stories of who I am. There’s much more, very much more, that has come to me because of your post, and I’m grateful. I won’t bore you and your readers with everything I’m thinking about– it gets even more tangential, and I’ve rambled enough–but thanks again. And continue, please — I know you will without encouragement, but let me encourage you anyway– to express your grace and individuality in whatever garment has the ability to perform that function for you. May none of us ever disappear into age or rules or others’ expectations and opinions!

    • 19
      Ykkinna

      Dear Frances, thank you for this beautiful comment. It is wonderful to hear that this post has helped you to make sense of some things. And while I’m in a slightly different place in my life, I do relate to what you’re saying. I take being ignored or dismissed very badly and sometimes, wearing a red dress is a way of making sure it’s physically impossible to ignore you. It may not ultimately be what I want (I usually don’t want to be noticed for my clothes, despite my love for them), but there is a small victory in that when other victories are denied to you.

  9. 20
    Undina

    Probably I’m lucky that I cannot read the comments in the original article: I don’t think I would have enjoyed them 🙂
    You look beautiful, and the dress is very nice. Could it have been better fit? Maybe. Should it have? Not unless it was some type of a dress competition where you were supposed to present the best of the best of your work, or if you had a special designer working on dressing you up for the event. If you’re just a regular person wearing a beautiful dress to a regular event – who cares?!! As to the nipples… They are prominently visible, and it depends on your country’s culture whether it’s something acceptable though bold/extravagant, or is outside of the commonly acknowledged norms. Have you tried any of the silicone strapless/backless adhesive bras or nipple petals? Aside from conforming to any “modesty” requirements (people will find what to fault you with, no matter what 😉 ), those accessories, if well made, will make you look even better in the same dress.

    • 21
      Ykkinna

      I think on the Nipple Scale, Estonia is much closer to the bold/extravagant end. It’s certainly considered vulgar by some and attention-seeking by others, but it’s not a major breach of societal norms. Just personally for me, the whole aesthetic of slip dresses is about either not wearing a bra or, alternatively, wearing a visible soft triangle bra in a contrasting colour. In the nipple department, a soft bra would not make a difference in my case 🙂 I hate the adhesive bras with a passion and while I have worn the nipple covers in the past ( I didn’t have any on hand this time), I really only do it for others. To me, it’s acompromise and it’s getting more and more difficult to see why I have to make it.

      But I’m glad this incident has promted an in-depth nipple discussion, the world needs it!

  10. 22
    Eliza

    Oh Annikky, how unsettling for you to have seen such responses (but how lovely to read all the comments here). The magazine commentators must have very dreary lives. You do not. Your exuberance, daring and wit will carry you much further than their timidity and sniping ever will.

    • 23
      Ykkinna

      I have seen much worse about people close to me – and with much less cause-, so I don’t feel sorry for myself at all. But if you’re not used to being in the public eye, it still has the power to jolt and make you ponder things (or rant about them, as the case may be). That doesn’t mean I’m not moved by the lovely comments, I totally am. Thank you!

  11. 24
    Eia

    “She was wearing a very thin dress that seemed like a light sachet around her, merely a cover to hold the perfume of her body.”
    – from “Little Birds” by Anaïs Nin

  12. 25
    Johanob

    How am I only getting to see this now??Lol.You know we love you(even if we don’t know you,and NOT in a creepy way haha!),both here and seeing you over at Now Smell This!Keeping looking fabulous and being you!X

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